There's No Such Thing As Too Much Heart

I've been called  kind-hearted and warm-hearted. Out of my range of hearing, I've maybe been called cold-hearted (I was a middle school teacher, after all!). I've known stout-hearted people, but I don't think that applies to me. Brave-hearted doesn't ring any bells of recognition either.

I know I am tender-hearted, except the dictionary says only good things about that term and I think there are negative connotations as well. I am compassionate and feel empathy for others. I do feel things deeply. But I have been called too sentimental, too emotional, too reactive.  I wonder if there is a term for tenderbutwaytoosensitive-hearted?  I just read a book preview on The Tender Heart: Conquering Your Insecurity by Joseph Nowinski. There's a questionnaire in it that describes me in scarily accurate ways, but "Nowinski explains that insecurity is not a flaw or shortcoming, but rather a personality trait that reflects both temperament and life experiences. And, most important, he shows how insecurity can be conquered so that one can thrive -- especially in work and love."  

I would like to believe Nowinski.  I am not overly confident about changing a trait that has been with me since elementary school when a fourth grade peer made a disparaging remark about my religion and I cried so hard that I stood hiccuping in the hallway, unable to stop. "Breathe, Pamela, breathe." But I want to be more confident about it. I've made a decision to try. I may even buy the book--it's pretty cheap on Amazon!

What I would like people to understand is that some of us have hearts that break easily. I'm going to learn to get over things more quickly. I'm going to forgive more quickly. I'm not going to blame people for unintentionally hurting me--but I am also going to stop blaming myself for it like I always have done. I don't think I'm too emotional--I may be too reactive. I'll work on that.

I look back at the cute little girl who I was and all the times she helped other little people (and more than a few animals) and I love her so much. Then I look back at her and all the times she cried because someone was less kind than they could have been and I love her even more.

It's only been a short while that I have been able to publicly admit that I was in a marriage for 17 years where I was emotionally and verbally abused. It wasn't his intention to hurt me, but he did from the day we were married on. I cried for awhile and then I just buried it. When the marriage finally imploded, I cried for months.  Maybe that's part of the reason I am still so easily hurt. I just can't hide it anymore, even when the hurts are small and unintentional.

I wrote a poem between the legal separation and divorce. (I wrote quite a few!) While I was being healed by a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, I wrote the following:

I understand now.
I'm being remade,
remodeled, reborn.
I trust you
and know it is a good thing.
But allow one request,
please.
Make me strong.

Not like rock--
rock only seems strong.
It erodes with dripping water
and crumbles under pressure.

Not like steel--
steel is cold
and cruel.
Steel hurts.
He was like steel.

Make me like silk.
Silk is strong.
I can shield my children
with soft embrace.
I can protect myself
wrapped in beauty
and encircled in warmth.

pamela hunter-braden

I wrote that more than 20 years ago, but life is funny. (strange, not ha-ha) I'm currently going through another major remodel. I wanted to be all done with change by the age of 63, but it seems Heavenly Father is intent on helping me be the daughter of His I am meant to be. A daughter who is tender-hearted but not so insecure. I guess I can't serve Him effectively if I cry every time someone makes a disparaging remark.

So, once again, I am asking a kind Father to make me strong. As I was writing this, the following song came up on Pandora. It seemed like another song that I should hear and remember.



"Beautiful Dawn"
by The Wailin' Jennys

Take me to the breaking of a beautiful dawn
Take me to the place where we come from
Take me to the end so I can see the start
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me to the place where I don't feel so small
Take me where I don't need to stand so tall
Take me to the edge so I can fall apart
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me where love isn't up for sale
Take me where our hearts are not so frail
Take me where the fire still owns its spark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Teach me how to see when I close my eyes
Teach me to forgive and to apologize
Show me how to love in the darkest dark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me where the angels are close at hand
Take me where the ocean meets the sky and the land
Show me to the wisdom of the evening star
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me to the place where I feel no shame
Take me where the courage doesn't need a name
Learning how to cry is the hardest part
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

I Still Remember That Girl

Oh, my goodness, I love this song. I just heard it for the first time on a new Pandora station (Brandi Carlile) and had to look it up so I would understand it and why it was written. Turns out it was written for me! And millions of other women like me. Of course, I'm not the waitress in the Broadway play that the character in the song reflects, but believe me, I am that girl.

She Used to Be Mine    by Sara Bareilles

[Verse 1]
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron, that place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

[Chorus 1]
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

[Verse 2]
It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

[Chorus 2]
Who'll be reckless, just enough
Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine

[Refrain]
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine


Now, here's the incredible good news. A miracle if you will. The fire is back in my eyes. I'm not stuck anymore. I've asked for help and I am rewriting the ending.